Hindsight...

... thou really art so clear.

For the last few months:

I decided "No job? While I search for one I'll work out and lose this weight." I've lost 10lbs in the last almost 8 months... not really a good job there... All I can think about is if I stuck to the daily 45+min workouts how much would I have lost by now? How much better would I be now? Why did I stop, am I really that lazy?

I've been searching for myself, for what I want... what I need in life. I think I know myself much better now but I feel as if I was lying to myself before. Sure I was good at "ABC" but I really wanted "XYZ". I'm not sure if it was laziness, lack of motivation or whatever but I just stuck with ABC and now XYZ feels more distant and unattainable than ever.

I've thought about all the past relationships and how I'm so fed up with people. Why do women have such program flaws when it comes to relationships? It seems as if every woman I date has a specific timeline in which they NEED to be engaged/married/have kids. God help me if, when asked, I say "it will happen when the time is right, I cannot put an expiration on those things." Do you want to get married and not have a dime? Do you want to have kids before you are set for them (or at least somewhat close because let's face it, you're never really 100% ready)? Marriage and children are serious things that should not be taken lightly. Why can we not just enjoy each other and cross those bridges when we come to them? 

rethought my whole life plan. I always wanted to find "Ms. Right" and get married, have the 2.5 kids and the nice suburban house... but first I need Ms. Right not Ms. Right Now. I'm giving up on that and it's not an upsetting conclusion anymore. The older I seem to get the more annoying children appear to be, the more troublesome marriage is portrayed and the more I feel as if I'm selfish and don't want to compromise for the rest of my life. I'm not saying it's impossible to find the "right" woman however it is becoming increasingly difficult the older I get.

I feel as if I've accomplished nothing and my view has turned increasingly jaded. Is this a rut or an awakening? I can see many paths ahead of me, almost too many, and I'm unsure on which to travel.

Starting Weight: 405
Current Weight: 339
Lost since 3/17/10: 66
End Weight Goal: 250
Remaining Loss: 89

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Tedium has never been so...

RELAXING!

There's something about not having to go into work each day and see my ex anymore that's just... ah. If you know me (and you should if you're reading this) you know I worked for my ex's family's business even after I broke up with her (trying to kill me is a deal breaker, sorry girls!). You also know that she was not very pleasant to deal with during... errr, um, I mean after the relationship. Hindsight, thou art so clear.

So, anyway, Friday the 14th the predictable happened, I was let go for "lack of work". Currently I am looking for something new but the job market stinks. Since I got let go I have been getting lots of sleep, working out for 45 mins-1 hour each morning and taking care of stuff at the firehouse (who doesn't like admin work?). I guess it's something for now, thankfully I am a saver and have a little cash hidden away.

So some shit went down...

My fire company went out on a "booze cruise" last Friday and man was it awesome. My friend Gerard was the DJ and did a great job and my probies did wonderful setting up and breaking down. However the end of the cruise there was a little wrench thrown in the gears... by little I mean huge and by gears I mean at my face.

Most guys would be totally happy that their girlfriend grabbed the back of another good looking girls head and deep French kissed her in front of him. Most guys would be even happier when the girls then started playing with each others tits and kissed so passionately (maybe more than she ever kissed me...) and then stuck their hands between each other's legs... yeah. Well I was one of those guys at first... then it became uncomfortable after about a minute so you can imagine what it was like around the 5 minute mark. I admit it, I had the thoughts afterwards like sweet... is this going somewhere? But then I got to talk to my girlfriend. 

I told her that I was kinda uncomfortable with what happened, she told me she was a girl too and it was alright. I said "Then it would be ok if I kissed her too?" to prove a point so she'd know how I felt. Her answer was the obvious one... "No, I'm not going to share you with anyone.". Then she informed me that she had planned a "hook-up" with that same girl and another girl later. Wow... I mean really?!? How the fuck did she plan that one and think it was EVER ok? So... if she wasn't going to cheat clearly I was invited right? Nope. Not that I wanted to really... I'm sorta the jealous type and Ive never done that so I dont know how I'd handle that. Then something started coming out that I never expected.

Now let me preface this with how I feel when people meet alcohol. Alcohol does two things to people's minds; first it turns off the filter and lets all that shit out that they've been holding inside, next it makes people exaggerate. So keep this in mind while you read the following.

After the ordeal above my (ex)girl starts telling me how she's a (insert last name here) and I'm a (insert last name here) and I am a piece of shit. I should just be lucky that she even talks to me because I'm such a piece of shit. After several minutes of this she decides that I am a liar and a cheat and starts telling me since I am a cheat (side note: nope, sorry) that she can cheat on me for as long as she likes too.

By this time we've arrived back at the firehouse from the boat (the kiss happened when the boat was docking) and I needed some space. Well, after a few minutes she found me and started yelling, in front of everyone, how I am a liar and a cheat. Then started punching me in my Lap Band port (she has one too and knows it really hurts). I tried to walk away and she grabbed my collar of my shirt. I got choked a bit and then she broke my gold chain into several pieces and threw them into the busy street. When I got away I went to find the necklace because it had 2 charms on it that mean a lot to me. While looking I hear "Mike, lookout!" and turn to see her running full steam at me and pushes me into the main street's traffic. If I wasn't warned I could've been face down in the right lane and been road kill. This was the point that I realized that it was much much more than a drunken episode (you're probably thinking really? It took this long? C'mon guys, I have a thick skull...).

Well... she came to my house the next morning woke me up around 8:30 banging on my windows (she called like 30 times but the phone was on silent), she HAD to talk to me now (btw I didn't get home until about 2:30am). We talked, she didn't remember some stuff and couldn't believe what I told her (she should ask the other 60 witnesses...). She asked what was worse that she did it in front of everyone or what she said, it was what she said but both. She told me she'd stop drinking... I told her my theory (previously explained). She asked me if I hated her and the answer was an honest yes.

The next day (Sunday) she asked the same question, my answer was the same still. I was beyond pissed. She told me good, because it wasn't working anyway (did someone take reverse psychology classes????). Then she told me she's talked to a few of my friends and they told her everything. "Oh yeah" I said, "who?". She refused to tell me any details (clearly there are none) and said that I had been lying to her and cheating on her for quite some time. Then she started telling me that I shouldnt expect to have a job (I work for her family). She said she'd be civil to me while I looked for something else but I should go and she wasnt going to leave. 

Now I never expected her to leave, nor do I wish to come between her or her family. Seriously though she's telling her parents and everyone that I cheated on her when that's exactly what she did to me... IN FRONT OF ME! Well I spoke with her brother (my boss) this morning and he doesn't want me to leave. I don't want to cause any drama in her family but she's already started today. 

Ugh, I hate drama...

yadda yadda yadda

So Thurs. night I stayed up until almost 0330hrs reading about copyright law so I could shut down my first potential problem with my first real client. Since there was no written contract between us it really didn't outline what I was and was not going to provide him with. I NEVER will let go of a working file (photoshop, indesign, etc) that can be used to make a new product. Well, I guess I could if the price was right... and I didn't care but I do and the price was not. So, after citing this it looks good... for now... that they are fine with the .pdf... which I didn't even lock (see, I have a nice side). Also I gave them the new reworked company logo I made in a .psd so they could use it... again, how nice of me. Still awaiting final payment on the project, it's like $400 still, and then we're onto redeveloping their website. I need to start watching the training videos again and getting back onto the learning end of it. I know enough to do what I need to do but with the knowledge I can do it faster and better. Also I need to start looking for more clients and this time have some sort of written contract. Perhaps I'll make fliers and complete the website with the time I have.

I am starting to research the cost and dynamics of opening my own business. I know what I need for the start-up now I must put it in terms of money... gotta write that damn business plan too. Will post more on that when there's something substantial...

Recently discovered the most amazing sushi anywhere ever... Satsuki in Lynbrook. Wow, just wow is all I can say. Had it for the second time tonight with Chris and eating there actually makes me really happy. If you're in the area or love sushi enough to travel it is well worth it.

Chris also just got a bicycle... I'm so excited to have someone to ride with. I got my bike like 2 weeks ago and have been dying to go out and ride. Figure it will be good exercise for me because I hate exercise. Getting on the bike is trickery for the mind... "hey brain it's not exercise we're out having fun!" and then I think it's acceptable. Also got the treadmill ready to use... just still using the same lame excuse of no time to use it.

All of this is to battle the plateau I have just found in the weight loss. 50lbs and 8" down is great but I have been there for a little bit and need to do something to get going again. I'm also thinking of going back to liquids for a little bit... lower the caloric intake.

Just a quick update

Starting Weight: 405
Current Weight: 359
Lost since 3/17/10: 46
End Weight Goal: 250
Remaining Loss: 109

Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Ugh, haven't posted in a while... didn't really have much to post. So, what's new in my life... merh...

Work:
I'm now working for my girlfriends family's construction company. I don't really have an official title yet, but I would consider it a Production or Project Manager. The company has 2 crews and also several subcontractors that run at the same time. My job is to supervise the production end with both our crews and the subs. I also will be responsible for customer relations and ordering materials. So far I have been there for a week and enjoy it there.

Level 8:
I've done some work on my client's book but nothing like I should be doing. I must get some time management in order and finish knocking this out. Between all my other activities (FD, work, girlfriend, etc) I just haven't had the same time to sit down and really focus on it. I need to get the book finished and finish the designs I started for their webpage.

Lap Band:
Im down about 30lbs now, since Ive been off the liquids I really havent been losing weight. I need to get to working out!

-25lbs! w00t

Well, it's my 14th day of the modified diet today (started liquids St Patty's Day 3/17/10) and I am -25lbs today @ 380lbs! Recently found out (because I live under a rock...) that Rex Ryan had the same surgery. The article linked is good, conveys a lot of the same things I am thinking...

I really have to find my camera... Im already down 25 and I want good before and afters!

Starting Weight: 405
Current Weight: 380
Lost since 3/17/10: 25
Overall Goal: 250
Target Loss: 130

"the bands all here"

Well, I guess I'm recovering nicely from the surgery. My expectations going in were based on the experience of my girlfriend when she had the procedure and what the program told me to expect. They were:

• gas pains within my body (not the typical fart or burp gas). This is what I was really worried about because the only thing to make that better would be time. So far I think I experienced these pains for maybe an hour or so however they were extremely tolerable.
• surgery pains. I was expecting much worse than I have. My mobility is probably 80-90% and my stomach muscles are the ones that are a little sore I guess, it's really more a discomfort than pain. Getting in and out of bed, sitting up or down and bending over are hard to do but I am working around that. Stairs and general mobility seem to be fine.
• recovery room. I was prepared to wake up a painful miserable mess. Instead I was doing really well when I woke up and didn't have any pains until I had to transfer from my recovery bed to the bed in my room (I had to get out of one bed and into another) and even then the pain was me trying to stupidly use my stomach muscles.

Jenn is taking good care of me, helping me out with whatever I need, for that I am really grateful. I am looking forward to getting back to work on my tasked items of the sales book (which is ~80% done) and the newly tasked website creation. Mainly because I want to just get it done but also it's money and I need that now, so hopefully I'll be home soon. Right now the only issues I have are discomfort with the stomach, a little swelling and I get tired quicker than I probably should. My follow-up appointment is less than 2 weeks away and as of last night I re-started my liquid diet.

I'm excited about seeing what this baby can do with the right approach. I'll probably start attaching pictures soon to this blog and making a new album on my facebook page.

Lap band....

As you probably already know I've been testing for the lap band since October. Jenn and I woke up at 4:30 am on Friday because I was scheduled for 6am admission and a 7:30am surgery.  I felt like I was getting up to go to work, special thanks to Jenn though who stated she "only was up at this time when she was 19 and coming home from a night out".

It was "installed" on Friday at ~8am.I wasn't worried about the procedure. I received enough information from my girlfriend and the dr that I felt ready for all I was about to encounter. After meeting everyone I waited in the pre-op room and then was wheeled in and put on the skinny little operation table. I was strapped on the table, towel roll put behind my shoulders (for the breathing tube to be installed later) and started to get some drugs. My anesthesiologist nurse Mike said "you're vision should be getting blurry"... I said no and then bam! I remember the anesthesiologist walking in and Mike filling him in on all the prep work he did... then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room to a few people around me, one of them in the beginning was my surgeon Dr Powers saying I did really good. I was given some pain meds that gave me nausea so I had to take something for that. I started coming into focus and after a few minutes they let Jenn and my mother into the recovery room. After a few hours I was taken to my own room on the first floor.

I was up Fri night walking around, surprisingly little pain, I expected much more pain or discomfort. Late fri night I started to get some discomfort at the site where they did the work, nothing major just awareness. Dr Powers came in to see me and said the procedure went well, that I looked great and it was all normal. He also told me I have the 10cc AP Lapband, a newer band that's supposed to be better.

Friday night into Sat morning I was woken up twice to see if I was ok by the nurses then I was told at about 6am I had to stay awake because my heart rate was too low, in the 30's. I got up, walked around a bit. The nurse then asked if I had urinated since the catheter was removed, I had not. I was then informed that I had 10 minutes to so or get another catheter... no way Jose!!!!! I was able to go and avoided that mess.

I was wheeled down to the radiology department and had to get tested to see that the band was in the right position and all was ok. I waited back in my room for the results and once it was good to go I had to drink 1 ounce sips of water or tea every 10-15 minutes. After doing that then they brought me another tray and I had to do the same... yikes, too much. I was discharges at about 2pm and Jenn drove me back to her place where I will spend my time recovering.

Today and tomorrow will be clear liquids days. Then for 2 weeks I will be back on a liquid diet mostly the protein shakes and some puddings. Week 3 & 4 will be "soft & mushy foods" like mashed potatoes and stuff like that. Week 5 will be normal foods once again. Well, it's time to find out how to co-exist with this band :) .

Now I'm about to nap or something for a bit. A very special thanks to m'lady Jenn for all the care she's given me thus far. Also thanks to my mother, Chris and Mike B for visiting me in the hospital, it meant a lot to me.

Current Weight: 385.2 (prior to surgery on hospital scale)
Overall Goal: 250.0
Target Loss: 135.2